Ky Jenkins

I opened my window to let the cold in, then crawled across the floor to my bed. the comforter was cold, and the sheets felt as cool as ice. It was the only thing that numbed me emotionally. I tucked my head underneath the covers, so I wouldn't have to see anything but a near wall of musty gray. here, I let my mind shut off. I didn’t think of all the things I screwed up. I didn’t think about how Melissa looked when she caught me in that closet with Justin... I didn’t think.

Then, the next thing I knew, I was waking up to a new day. I mean, that’s what I told myself as I showered. But, even if I wouldn't admit it to myself, I knew I was still going to have to face the same problems I had yesterday. I’d have to avoid both Melissa and Justin. I’d have to put up with people’s taunting, since I had just been outed without my consent. But who freaking cares about Ky Jenkins? No one. He’s just the butt of the joke, the scrawny kid you tease. The school halls were exceptionally loud today. Or maybe it just seemed that way, due to my pounding headache. “Hey! Jenkins!” I heard someone call my name. then another. It seemed everyone was yelling at me. I didn’t stop, didn’t look. Just kept walking, until I finally reached my locker. I didn’t read the words sprawled all over it, just grabbed my books and swept to my first class. upon my arrival, as if on cue, everyone stopped talking and stared, as if being gay turned you into a different species altogether. I walked to the back of the classroom, cautiously aware of all the eyes following me. as I sat down, I sighed inaudibly. my eyes instinctively went to the front of the classroom. I couldn’t see him, due to the other kids in my line of sight, but I knew he was there. sitting. Being the good boy everyone knew him as. but I couldn’t stop my mind from wandering to the Justin I had dated. That Justin took risks, was blunt to a fault, and chewed the inside of his thumb. Why does he hide him? I loved him. I put my head in my arms on the desk, my heart pounding mournfully. Why did it have to be this way?

In the cafeteria during lunch, I saw someone that made me want to punch a wall. Paisley. “Omg, Ky! Ky, over here!” her pitchy voice sang out over the cafeteria. It was then that I decided I wasn’t hungry. Shoving aside a few freshmen, I made my way toward the door. I stalked through the halls, glancing behind me to make sure Pesty Paisley wasn’t following. But in doing so, I ran into someone. Next thing I knew, I was being grabbed by the front of the shirt by Justin, then I was so much as dragged to the lockers. “We need to talk—” he began before I cut him off. “No, no. we are not talking. you are going to listen.” I said, my tone low and dangerous. I didn’t think about what to say, the anger and the sadness I had fueled my words. “You can’t just throw me away when things get risky, m-kay? Was that all that it was to you? A thing to have fun with while it’s safe, but as soon as it has to be serious, you ditch?” I was fuming. And sad. And entirely out of control. The look on his face, pure shock, faded slightly as I continued. “And you know what? I bet your parents still look you in the eye while they talk to you. I bet they still talk to you. I bet they’re proud to call you their son!” I sniffed angrily, ignoring the tears on my cheeks and the sympathetic look on Justin’s face. I don’t need his sympathy. I hated myself for wanting it. “K.J....” he started. “Don’t ever call me that again.” I hissed, then stormed off, ignoring the calls he sent after me. I so much as ran to the bathroom, ignoring all the weird looks I got as I weaved my way through crowds. when I got there, I didn’t wait until I got into a stall to start sobbing. The tears came hot and bitter. My cheeks burned and the toilet lid clanked loudly as my dead-weight fell on it. how could I be so stupid? The question was set on repeat in my mind. My lips formed it inaudibly. I wanted to scream. to rip open seam after seam of this unfair life, until all of its thread unravels. My stomach churned and clenched. Nausea took over my body, forcing me to sit on the floor in front of the toilet. The cold tile seeped through my pants. Opening the lid, I noticed how much my hands were shaking. I felt lightheaded. I puked into the bowl. I rolled my head back once I was sure I wasn’t going to barf anymore, and leaned tiredly against the wall of the stall, my migraine coming back from earlier. Or maybe it never went away. my eyelids felt as if weights had been dropped onto them. I let them close, my eyes stinging slightly. Shivers of appreciation rolled through me as I let my body relax. I tell myself the worst is over. I would rather be comforted by a lie than having to face the truth and be scarred.